What Did You Dream of Being When You Were Younger?
Dreams, fantasies, and the myth of magical transformation.
At this point in the semester in my course - “Navigating Complex Decisions in Work and Career” - we’ve talked about what makes decisions complex and decision making biases; values, interests, and abilities; and how to use values-focused thinking to make better decisions.
I’ve invited a few guest lecturers to join because I thought it would be a good chance for the class to hear directly from other people in their early/mid-career who can talk about how they've thought through certain choices and how they’ve made big decisions that are on these students’ minds (e.g., going to/leaving graduate school, picking/leaving a certain career path, etc.).
Last week, our guest lecturer (a friend of mine from grad school) discussed a big change she experienced in her professional aspirations. But as she began the story, she asked a version of the oldest, simplest question we get about work: what did you dream of being when you were younger?
The question reminded me of an article I read recently while noodling on midlife crises. In the article the authors, Carlo Strenger and Arie Ruttenberg, talk about one of the most persistent and challenging myths associated with the midlife crisis being the idea that it can bring about a magical transformation in someone’s life:
“The myth of magical transformation has become pervasive because it feeds the all-too-human tendency toward wishful thinking. We all have fantasies about what we could have been in a different life: actors, singers, writers, tycoons, political leaders. Although most of us don’t talk about these fantasies […] we often feel like butterflies confined by the cocoon of our real lives, waiting to be released. This fantasy is expressed in fairy tales and movies, and as long as it remains clearly understood as a fairy tale it presents no problems. But when people buy into the message that fantasy is a potential reality, they get into trouble.
To understand this problem, one has to acknowledge the difference between dream and fantasy. The British psychoanalyst Donald W. Winnicott characterized dreaming as the use of the imagination to create possible scenarios in which our potential can come to fruition. But to be productive, dreams must be connected to our potential. Otherwise, they are idle fantasies. Hence the ability to differentiate between dreams and fantasies is crucial: Without dreams, we are unlikely to make any changes, but getting lost in fantasies is not only a waste of energy but can also become an impediment to actual change.” (Emphasis mine)
This distinction between a dream and a fantasy feels like an important one. Whereas a dream is possible to achieve - even if quite challenging or rare - because it is grounded in my actual ability or potential (my ability to develop an ability), a fantasy is a dream that is unattached to any realistic possibility based on who I am, what I do, and what I’m capable of.
As it happens, the first thing I dreamt about being was a chef.
When I was in sixth grade, I had the chance to interview Frank Stitt, the “godfather of southern cuisine,” about his work as a chef. I remember my mom dropping me off at the restaurant with my pen and notebook and sitting at a table with a white tablecloth in the subdued pre-shift dining room. People moved in and out of the kitchen receiving deliveries and doing prep while I asked questions about how he became a chef, what he liked about it, and what advice he would give someone who wanted to become a chef.
Many years later I got the chance to work in one of his restaurants and that shimmery dream encountered the reality of professional restaurant life. It simply wasn’t a lifestyle I was interested in pursuing.
James Clear has a nice direct way of parsing this distinction between dream and fantasy:
“It doesn't make sense to continue wanting something if you're not willing to do what it takes to get it. If you don't want to live the lifestyle, then release yourself from the desire. To crave the result but not the process, is to guarantee disappointment.”
What did you dream of doing when you were younger?
What do you dream of doing now? And are you dreaming or fantasizing?
Thanks for that citation Re: dream vs. fantasy...probably going in my next book...if you ever want a guest lecturer on bailing from academia and what I learned...always available and passionate on this topic.
I loved this article, Ross. In fact, if there's no objection, I'll make it my first-ever cross-post (I guess it's now called re-stacking). I also skimmed the linked article about your experience working in a restaurant, and I look forward to reading it more carefully when I can give it my undivided attention.
I wrote an article recently about what I learned in one of my first jobs (working in a warehouse). I didn't walk away from it with deep lessons about modern organizational structure or job design, but it reminded me how important those early jobs are for most of us, but it did influence my thinking about work and workers.
As for dreams and fantasies: The discussion reminds me of a compelling article by Justin Berg, Adam Grant, and Victoria Johnson: "When Callings Are Calling: Crafting Work and Leisure in
Pursuit of Unanswered Occupational Callings." (https://www.researchgate.net/publication/211382387_When_Callings_Are_Calling_Crafting_Work_and_Leisure_in_Pursuit_of_Unanswered_Occupational_Callings )
I'm not entirely sure what the relationships are between dreams, fantasies, and missed callings... But you've got me thinking about it.