On a recent flight as I settled in for taxi and takeoff I began to overhear a conversation. Two people in the row ahead of me were already diving deep on life and work in that manner of quick intimacy that’s sometimes only possible with complete strangers.
Now, I actually can’t remember any of the details of this conversation, but I remember one question that was asked: “Do you mind if I ask how old you are?”
What caught my attention was the preface - do you mind?
The implication of a disclaimer like this (don’t take this the wrong way?; no offense, but…; can I ask you a personal question?, etc.) is that one likely does mind being asked about their age. That is to say, it’s sort of a rude question. But why exactly is it rude?
It isn’t rude to ask what year someone’s house was built or how old someone’s car is. It isn’t even rude to ask how old someone’s child is (regardless of their age). But imagine this combo of questions occurring in the wild: “How old are your kids? And how old are you?”
I think the word rude here is actually kind of useful.
It’s a rude question because it’s perceived as socially impolite, sure, it contravenes the expected path of casual conversation (especially in the south!).
But rudeness also characterizes a “startling abruptness.” That is to say, a question might be rude because it introduces a sudden and unexpected turn into the conversation. Prefacing a question with “do you mind” is like braking before going into a that turn.
In the case of our question here - “Do you mind if I ask how old you are?” - I think it’s perceived as rude because it waltzes mortality right into center of the conversation. And in a culture where we valorize youth and try to “defy” age, it raises the specter of all sorts of judgments, comparisons, regrets, and even griefs.
We’re not defying age really. We know that I think, we just don’t like to sit with that knowledge. All the more reason to do so. As Philip K. Dick said, “Reality denied comes back to haunt.” To the extent that we ignore the reality of aging, we ignore a critical value in our decision-making calculus.
Said another way, do you mind if I ask how old you are? And if so, why do you mind?
p.s. If you’re really paying attention, you may have noticed I changed the name of this thing back to the original name I started with, which was/is “Now What?” I think it better captures the ethos of what I’m doing here. And I think it opens the aperture up a bit more for topics I plan to write about in coming months related to my forthcoming book. In any case, thanks for reading.